Tuesday, 8 January 2013

I Need A Break

I need a break. I haven't had a break in a long time and if I don't get one soon I am going to break.

As most of you know, I live out of two houses although it all too often seems less and less like living. Five days a week I get up in the morning and spent a little while with Tess before heading to my parents. Once there I have a coffee, breakfast, check the computer for email, and then, except for the mornings when I sneak out for coffee and a ride with Scott, I help out around the house. I do any errands they are wanting done, shovel snow, clean the house, plan dinner. About 2:00 I go out to have coffee with Tess when she is on her break. The, back to my parents where I cook their dinner and clean up.

From then until 8:30 I usually just waste time dinking on the computer. I cannot settle in to any relaxation as I know I will be leaving to go back to Tess'.

Once back here Tess is just getting home. She is usually wound up from work and her favourite way of unwinding is to jabber at me non-stop for at least 45 minutes until she runs out of steam. At that point she will turn on Filipino television. I dink on the computer while giving scant attention to one Filipino show that is kind of cute and which she thinks we are watching together (I understand only about every 10th spoken word but can follow what is going on).

When that is over I would truly like to go to bed and read but that, I am afraid, upsets Tess. She has always hated sitting in front of the TV by herself. She thinks I am ignoring her or am being rude by going to bed. For the sake of peace I stay in the living room and dink on the computer some more. I wind up spending too much time online and not enough time doing what I want, doing what makes me me At other times I will plug into my MP3 player for a lecture. Only after 10:30 do I dare disappear into the bedroom to read and by then I am usually too tired.

I have tried sitting in the living room with ear plugs so I could read but invariably she will start talking to me and I can't hear her and that upsets her too. She gets upset a lot.

Remember that song that had the line "you don't know what you got till its gone?" I feel like that a lot sometimes.

Winter used to be one of my favourite times. I would leave the office and come right home to let the old dog in from a cold day in her dog house. She would want to rough house for a few minutes and chew on my arms and so we would have a romp before I either cooked something quick for dinner or went back out to a diner for a quick bite. Once home again I would feed her and take her for a quick walk if she wanted. We would have another romp, she was a 120 pound half wolf, half shepherd hybrid and need a lot of romp taken out of her.

I'd bring in enough wood for the night and stoke the fire up before heading to the couch for the evening to read. The old dog would lie on the floor beside me. The only sound would be the sounds of sparks in the stove and of my turning pages. Occasionally Kitten, the dog, would sigh and I would talk to her for a minute. Her tail would thump the floor. I would read away most of the evening although sometimes I would write in my journal or surf the Internet for a half hour or so.

I led a very quiet life. Low key. Stress free. On Friday nights I would stock up the larder from the supermarket and stay at home for most of the weekend.

Yea, I know. Pretty boring but it suited me. I need the quiet. I become unsettled without it. When I become unsettled I become sick.

I have not felt settled in quite a while now. I am starting to come apart at the seams. Not enough time alone.

Tess' mom comes back here to live with her for a bit in March. I am trying to plan a retreat for me.I don't know how I will accomplish this but it is a must.

I am thinking of renting a cabin on a lake and taking enough food for a week. I want to borrow my brothers yellow lab Bailey and take her with me along with a dozen books and settle in for a week where there are no cell phones, no Internet, and no television  but most of all, no people.

I hate to say it but you know what? If Tess and I ever split up I would not ever want another relationship. I used to feel like an odd sock when I was single. Now I would almost treasure it.

1 comment:

  1. sometimes, we just need to tell our loved ones what is going on with us-and tell them what we need-and then do it.
    Hope it works out for you in March